His Last Name
by Evil-Ekat
Summary: (One shot) There are a lot of things that no one really knows about Soos. But none more mysterious than what his last name really is. After realizing this, Dipper drags Mabel along as he tries to discover what a last name could possibly be hiding. (Rated T for Dipper's slight creepiness.)


**A fair warning, Dipper gets pretty obsessed with trying to figure out Soos' name. Not in a creepy way, but a very persistent way. But that's Dipper for you, never giving up.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls.**

* * *

><p>"Dipper!"<p>

The preteen sighed as he heard yet _another _demand from his great-uncle. His shift at the Mystery Shack had been over three hours ago! He shouldn't have to do any more chores! Still, the boy put down his journal and left the attic, to see what Stan wanted him to do in his lacking in spare time.

"Yes?" He asked, walking in to the gift shop.

Stan was at the register, taking out the day's earnings and locking up. Now that he saw Dipper there, he handed the boy a slip of paper.

"Give Soos' pay check to him, he forgot it again."

Looking down at the check (Dipper was honestly surprised that Stan actually owned valid ones.) the boy realized something off with it. First was how much Soos was being paid. Dipper had always thought that Stan didn't really pay the handyman or Wendy, but the money on that check for a week's worth of work said more than otherwise. Doing the calculations mentally, Dipper realized that the man-child was being paid triple the minimum wage.

Not only that,Soos' last name was not written on it. Come to think of it, had he ever seen or heard the man-child's last name before? How come this was something that no one ever brought up? How could something like this just fly over everyone's head like that? It seemed a bit off, even for Gravity Falls.

"What, are you waiting for the money to deliver itself?" The con man cut in.

"Grunkle Stan, this isn't valid without Soos' last name on here."

"Soos always adds it on himself before turning it in to the bank." Stan shrugged. "I taught him well in the art of faking cursive anyways."

"How come you don't just add it on?" Dipper wondered, pointing out how impractical that really was. "And you actually pay him pretty well."

Stan instantly grew defensive at this. He snatched the check back from Dipper's hands, and stuffed it back inside of his suit jacket. Now Stan glared at his great-nephew

"What I pay my employees is _none _ of your business kid. And neither is Soos' last name. Give the man his privacy and leave it at that. Understand?"

Dipper rolled his eyes and nodded.

"Promise that you won't try anything crazy to figure out his last name."

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"Because that's not my place. Now promise or you'll be scrubbing the Mystery Shack Outhouse of Mystery for the rest of the summer."

At the thought of coming anywhere near the disgusting outhouse, Dipper turned slightly green.

"I promise I won't try anything crazy to figure out his last name."

* * *

><p>"Nope."<p>

"No."

"No idea."

"You shouldn't ask things like that."

"Not that I know of."

"Go play in traffic pipsqueak."

"Why would I bother telling you?"

"No one will ever tell you."

"The name's cursed boy, something always stops anyone from ever speaking about it, or revealing anything about Soos."

"Are you insane?! No one asks that question for a reason boy!"

"Does Stanford know you're doing this? Are you aware of how much trouble you can get in to asking questions like that?"

"Beat it kid, I'm not telling you."

"Let me tell you something boy; Keep asking. But don't do anything crazy to figure out his last name."

* * *

><p>"Dipper, isn't this a little bit crazy to figure out someone's last name?"<p>

"Of course not Mabel!" Dipper waved off as he led Mabel down the hall of the prison.

Everything in the county jail was so cold and unforgiving. The stone walls seemed to suck the life out of anyone who touched them. Mabel shivered as she looked at the scratches of prisoner's names on the walls and floors. The country jail was cold... So cold... She was quite eager to not relive the experience of spending the night in there again. But she also shivered, because Dipper's plan to discover Soos' last name was not one she was really feeling fond of.

Gideon. Somehow, the albino had gotten word that Dipper needed to know. And he was willing to tell him Soos' last name. For a price. And if Mabel were to take a guess, she was going to be the bargaining chip. This was how they found themselves sneaking along the outside wall of the prison to the fenced in yard. From there, they would be able to talk with the disgusting little child-star.

Coming to the chain-link fence, the Mystery Twins scanned the area for the convict. They found him not too far away, sitting down in the dirt as he stared at the other side of the fence. His colourless eyes lit up as he saw his one true love standing there looking for him.

"Mabel ma' peach dumpin'! You came!" He literally squealed, reaching at the brunette through the fence.

Already feeling disgusted, the girl took a large step away from him.

"Gideon." Dipper stiffly greeted.

"Dipper." The child-star said in return.

"You really know Soos' sur name? Have you even talked to him before?"

"Of course I have! I talked to that _traitor _a few days before you came to Gravity Falls. He was in my parking spot."

"Traitor?" Dipper wondered.

"I refuse to say anything else unless you do something for me in return." Gideon primly stated.

The two rivals spent the next three minutes debating over what was acceptable. Dating Mabel was out considering that he was in prison, and breaking him out was a bit much, even for the twins. Finally, they haggled their way to an agreement.

"If you want me to say something, you have to speak in return." The albino suggested. "Unless you never want to find out his last name, you must say; I Dipper Pines, have an enormous head, and am in no way nearly as smart as the incredibly handsome Gideon Gleeful."

"IDipperPinedhaveanenourmushead, andaminnowaynearlyassmartastheinrediblyhandsomeGideonGleeful! Now tell me what Soos' last name is!"

Just then, sirens blared everywhere, and spotlights were suddenly focused on the stop where Mabel, Dipper, and Gideon stood. The sound of dogs howling began, and several police officers appeared on the side of the fence where Gideon was. They rounded up the convict and marched off before Dipper and Mabel could even protest.

* * *

><p>Dipper, are you sure that this is a good idea?"<p>

"Of course it is Mabel." Dipper waved off as he lit the white candles that had been arranged in a semi-circle. "I'm just summoning a psychopathic dream-demon who hates me so I can figure out Soos' last name."

Mabel looked at him, feeling rather unnerved as they stood there in the forest clearing. They were far away from the Shack so if something went wrong, no one would be there to see. This was both a good thing, and a bad thing. With Bill, it didn't really seem like the third time was the charm.

Sure, she was a bit curious as to why Soos didn't use his last name, and no one in Gravity Falls ever used it. But may ethere was a very good reason behind it. Just like that man who only faced one way! He had turned out to be a robot, and then exploded. What if something like that happened to Soos because of Dipper's curiosity? She didn't want to loose the man-child like that!

Besides, her brother had promised to Stan earlier that he wouldn't invade the man-child's space like this! She had seen it herself as she looked down from the door that lead to the roof. It wasn't eavesdropping, she just sort of heard the entire thing and watched it. Dipper had never crossed his fingers, meaning that he should have been honouring the promise!

Summoning a dream-demon to ask what Soos' last name was did _not _make it seem like he was keeping his word.

"You rang?" Bill asked before Dipper could even finish summoning him.

Taking a step back from the demon, the Mystery Twin stuttered;

"B-but I d-didn't even-"

The All-Seeing Eye did not bother to wait for him to conclude the thought.

"I'm not in a patient mood today Pine Tree. What do you want blah, blah, I'll take the journal in return for whatever it is you want."

"Actually, I just wanted to ask you something."

"The end of the world is in 3012. Can I leave now?" Bill impatiently asked.

"No."

Pulling out a watch, the demon glanced down at it and hastily said;

"You know, not everything revolves around me trying to steal the journal from you. I have important Master of the Mind stuff I should be doing, but you're wasting my time. I didn't even get a chance to script my next dramatic intrusions in to your life."

"I just want to know Soos' last name!" Dipper exclaimed.

Bill paused his usual bobbing in the air and looked back down at the preteen.

"That's one of Gravity Falls' greatest cover-ups. And I intend to keep it that way."

"But-"

"Nope! Don'tsummonmeforsomethingstupidagainbye!"

The demon left as quickly as he had come, and Dipper gave a sigh of frustration. Since when did Bill care about keeping Soos' last name a secret? How come everyone he turned to refused to tell him, or go arrested before they could do so?!

"You know, I don't think Bill even acknowledged me." Mabel quietly mused to herself.

"Who cares? If Bill won't say what Soos' last name is, who will?"

"Hey dudes!"

The twins turned around to face Soos, who was standing behind the,. The man-child gave a friendly smile at their surprised expressions. It was easy to tell what Dipper and Mabel were thinking in regards to his sudden appearance.

"Stan said he saw you two head in to the forest in this direction. He wanted me to check on you before I went to drop off my pack check at the bank." Soos concluded, waving the check.

Before either Mabel or Soos could react, Dipper leapt in to action. The boy launched himself towards the pay check and had grabbed it successfully from his hands. Dipper managed to land perfectly, only rolling across the forest floor a moment before getting up. Triumphantly, he unfolded the scrap of paper, and saw Soos' last name was not written there.

Surprised, he let the check fall to the ground. Mabel picked it up and smoothed out the wrinkles before politely handing it back to Soos. The man-child took it with a little less friendliness than he usually would have. Staring down the twins, he asked;

"Dudes, what was that about?"

Dragging a toe in the dirt and looking at the ground, Dipper muttered;

"I've been trying to figure out your last name all day."

If either twin had been more observant, they would have realized that Soos' normally amiable expression darkened before turning to it's usual bright self. But Dipper was too busy staring at the ground, now ashamed of his desperate actions and obsessive behavior to solve yet another mystery. Mabel was embarrassed that she had partly played party to this by not stopping Dipper, and couldn't meet their older friend's stare.

"It's alright dudes, I know no one in town talks about it. It's just that... It's a bit awkward for people to use at times, so no one does. It's sort of regarded as cursed now since no one says it. I think Mr. Pines was the one to start that rumour."

"T-then, what's your last name?"

"Soos!" He grinned. "I'll let you guys in on something about it too. My last name, is my first name spelt backwards."

"But Soos is just Soos spelt backwards!" Dipper exclaimed.

"I know! Creepy right?" He asked.

"Yea, I guess so." He shrugged.

disappointed, Dipper watched as the man-child left, now on his way to deliver the check to the bank. He couldn't belive that he had lost himself in a mystery again. Summoning Bill just to ask him the answer to a question, haggling with Gideon. At this rate, he was lucky that he was alive! And Mabel... He had dragged his sister around all day, ignoring her slightly nervous warnings in favour of figuring out the answer.

He had messed up big time this time around, trying to invade Soos' privacy like that. In the end, the result was nowhere near as satisfying as he was hoping for either. Dipper hopped that the man-child wasn't secretly mad at him or anything. All just to find out that Soos' last name was Soos! Who in their right mind named their child Soos Soos?!

* * *

><p>No one in their right mind named their child Soos Soos.<p>

Soos walked in to the bank, just minutes before closing time. He handed the elderly bank teller his check, which she instantly set to depositing for him. That was until she noticed a certain something lacking on the check. The white-haired woman handed it back to the man-child, and stated;

"You need to have your last name on there."

She handed him a pen. Leaning on the countertop, he wrote the first letter of his name. But just then, someone walked through the door. He slid an envelope in to a mail slot in the desk before turning around to leave. Soos waved at the man, but he pointedly ignored his son.

The man-child's smile bitterly faded. Even before he had started working at the Mystery Shack and was disowned his father had never waved back to him. But next time, maybe next time he would wave back.

Turning to face his pay check once more, he finished the signature and handed it to the woman. She scanned over it, and then nodded in approval. Soos was always grateful that Stan paid him more than enough for he and his grandma to get by. Sometimes it was so hard for things to come by. As he walked out of the bank doors, the man-child braced himself for the long walk home.

"Have a good evening Mr. Gleeful."

"Thanks. You too..."

_**Fin**_


End file.
